3 Ways To Communicate More Effectively

Communication in American Culture is an art form.  We have certain cultural practices that are, quite frankly, bizarre when you think about it.  Take for example the simple question "how are you doing?", most often the response to that question is "good".  We aren't really prepared for any other answer.  Usually we are asking the question as we walk by someone.  It's kind of funny when you think about it.  I often wonder how we would respond if someone said "terrible", we would just keep walking by, most likely.  Sarcasm is another tool we like to use.  It's saying the opposite of what you really mean to say, sometimes with a humorous twist.  It's a wonder how we are able to communicate effectively with one another at all.  We don't really mean what we say or say what we mean.  I once read a book, the title of which escapes me at the moment, in which there was one chapter title that spoke to me more than the book did.  The chapter title was "Communicate Purpose and Meaning".  Those four words turned a light on inside of me.  I realized that my communication needed some work.  It made me realize that sometimes people may not understand what I mean by what I say.  Here are three tools that, I have found, will help you become a better communicator.

1.) Get Understanding.  Solomon, in the book of Proverbs, encourages us many times to get understanding.  I believe this is the first step in becoming a better communicator.  Learn how to listen.  You already know what you think.  Try listening to hear what the other person's perspective is.  Be very suspicious of your ability to read other people's minds.  When you listen to their perspective you may gain insight into the way they think and why they think the way they do.  I can't tell you how many times I have gone into a meeting with a preconceived idea and come out of the meeting thinking completely differently about a situation because I've heard the other person's perspective.  Listening also helps to build trust with people.  The saying "People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care." fits very well with this concept of getting understanding.  If I could sum it up in a sentence I would say "seek first to understand, then be understood."  We often have those things reversed.

2.) Communicate Purpose. This is where you get to communicate your understanding.  You get to share your perspective.  This is the "why" of communication.  You get to share what your perspective is, which helps people understand where you are coming from.  There have been times when I am meeting with someone that I don't really know what we are talking about until about half way through the meeting.  Sometimes in confrontational situations we beat around the bush, so as to not hurt the other person's feelings, the result is that we create more damage because the other person doesn't know what we are talking about.  Trust me, i've been there many times.  This is where we have the opportunity to give understanding.

3.) Communicate Meaning.  Communicate what you mean by what you say.  Be clear in your communication.  Make sure the other person knows what you mean, don't assume that they do.  I have to give a little disclaimer here.  There have been times that I have been very clear in my communication and the person still was offended.  In this case, there really isn't anything you can do.  You have done what you need to do.  You have owned your communication.  In those cases the person would probably be offended no matter what you say.  They have forgotten to practice the number 1 rule of communication, to get understanding.  Be an active communicator, which means that you both actively listen and communicate.  Give and receive feedback.  You can ask questions like "do you need further understanding?", "do you have any questions about what I've said?".  This helps the other person to communicate what they have misunderstood in your conversation.  Remember the goal is understanding.

That's the view from here...

I'm still learning how to be a more effective communicator every day, but these are tools that have worked for me.  I'd love to hear what has worked for you.  What tools do you use in communicating with others?